wow. this blog is ancient.
I feel so strange posting again. especially since, really, who blogs anymore? (I'm saying this both in earnest and in irony- because it seems as though my floor this year of Julian Hall and Lewis Hall have taken quite the liking to displaying their thoughts and feelings in the form of a journal-esque medium that is open to the world to see- which i am just now catching on in understanding why my dad had such an issue with describe my inner world to whoever wanted to traipse through the abyss of the internets to find the rare jewel that is my inner world...) so, that being said, perhaps my question has more to do with, really, who reads blogs anymore?
Also. why am I awake? This semester especially, I've formed this terrible habit of staying up until about 2 am every night. Partially done so I can keep company with my late night friends but partially also just out of my own lack of will to go to bed. which is stupid really- because how much will should it take to shut off your brain after a long day of thinking, reacting, problem-solving, studying, etc.? I think that subject has been at the fore of my brain recently- the idea of willpower and, moreover, choice. Mostly because this year I've made friends with an ASTOUNDING woman that inspires me in almost every way. She is so talented, deeply giving of herself, spiritually alive and awake, and capable of just about any feat. And as I've had the privilege to pry open her inner thoughts as she has shared herself more with me, I've been brought to life in my desire for more out of my life and out of my relationships. I am not like her. but at the same time I am. In so many ways I feel as though she is like an amplified version of myself. What I mean is that I possess many of the same thoughts and gifts and feelings as she does, but somehow, she's always seemed more in tune with making the most of these. She is tenacious about following and seeking out the tangents that her brain allows. She speaks of choice constantly with me- how each choice that we make has such a power to direct the course of our lives. She speaks impassioned and with integrity because of the obviously God-empowered discernment she holds in making decisions that have directed her life.
All of this has led me to simple questions. Questions that I don't have answers for at the present moment, but that I would love to explore with Jesus' direction.
1) Who do I want to be?
2) Am I who I want to be?
3) What would it look for me to become more of the person I want to be?
And is life more about the doing or simply the being? How does one change themselves? Is it a process that necessitates full submission to God, or does that engender passivity and an external locus of control that is damaging to one's recognition of being a motivated actor in their own lives? okay. start easily. first question first. But for now, sleep- let the answer to the first question be a post for a later date.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
walking back
walking back is one of the scariest things possible
being content with nothing as i have been for so long is blinding me
walking to the light... to where things are seen...
it's like the echo of each step is a heavy reminder of all the reasons i don't deserve to go back
to have another chance
the echos ring in my ears and build until i am deaf with the noise of my mistakes.
but there is something greater-
the light that blinds me and lets me see everything with such unmeasured clarity
it's fascinating as it radiates
such pure light
and the echos of my failure, my blame falls behind me like shackles finally falling off
and i start running.
i can't help it, the light is intoxicating.
It pulls me.
It's warm
the light itself starts singing.
"This child of mine has returned"
In the back of my mind is the smallest remembrance of something that caused me not to run before.
where is that guilt?, Where is the echo of the pain of my failure?, where are the shackles?
He looks at me with tender eyes
He says slowly, "they have fallen and have no place in my presence"
I remember that perhaps it's not about my failures
Perhaps its not about me.
Perhaps its about Him, his light.
Perhaps it was never meant to be about me.
Perhaps its about Him
Friday, December 19, 2008
starting to write again...
it's like dragging myself back into a habit that i know is good for me.
i think God created in my a need to write, and i've been greatly regretting not be diligent in it.
writing is my release, my way to make sense of my thoughts, and so the past few months have been building up in me- milllions of silly unaswered questions, millions of questions never asked. wanting and desiring to be real, but not knowing what "real" is exactly. falling down, and never processing how to get myself off the ground before continuing to travel, not even realizing that i'm dragging myself, instead of walking.
ignoring the questions that could shape me, the lessons i never gave myself time to answer. so many question that i don't even know how to ask. we live in a messed up world- are my eyes just now being opened to that? why now- why am i seeing this now- who is openning my eyes- god or the enemy? who's plan am i walking in right now, in this moment? am i justified in all that i do- or am i walking ever so slowly away from his path for me- so slow and subtly, that i would hardly notice except to see the trail of blood i'm leaving behind from the tiny cuts i've made along the way. why does it always come back to blood? so many questions. so many things i haven't asked, haven't said, putting on a smile and shaking it all off. i need to come back. so many prayers i'm scared to pray because it all seems so hopeless. i was once a child of faith and i saw miracles and answered prayer- why not now? why pray anyway- god is god- he already knows the future.
My world is filled with letters never sent,
words never spoken,
lips always sealed.
Who will i be when it's all over ?
perhaps i will be a mute…
in a different life.
Unhappy with silence,
But sealed within such silence.
Emotions are emotions- they don't recquire words to be so.
Who am I ?
I cry, i cry, i cry,
louder and louder, « who am I ? »
When will i know ?
Silent cries that recquire no breath.
Silence as usual.
Why ?
I don't even know.
Letters never sent,
words never spoken
Lips always sealed.
i hope that anyone reading this will not be offended by my seeming lack of questions- i hope that they will understand that these are questions that have been boiling inside me, waiting to come out. i have no question of the fact that God will answer these questions in his time- they are simply questions that i need to be honest in asking. i'm ready to come back father. but i need to hear your voice calling me back.
"Yet i hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place." Rev. 2: 4-5
come back lampstand- i need your light in my life!
i think God created in my a need to write, and i've been greatly regretting not be diligent in it.
writing is my release, my way to make sense of my thoughts, and so the past few months have been building up in me- milllions of silly unaswered questions, millions of questions never asked. wanting and desiring to be real, but not knowing what "real" is exactly. falling down, and never processing how to get myself off the ground before continuing to travel, not even realizing that i'm dragging myself, instead of walking.
ignoring the questions that could shape me, the lessons i never gave myself time to answer. so many question that i don't even know how to ask. we live in a messed up world- are my eyes just now being opened to that? why now- why am i seeing this now- who is openning my eyes- god or the enemy? who's plan am i walking in right now, in this moment? am i justified in all that i do- or am i walking ever so slowly away from his path for me- so slow and subtly, that i would hardly notice except to see the trail of blood i'm leaving behind from the tiny cuts i've made along the way. why does it always come back to blood? so many questions. so many things i haven't asked, haven't said, putting on a smile and shaking it all off. i need to come back. so many prayers i'm scared to pray because it all seems so hopeless. i was once a child of faith and i saw miracles and answered prayer- why not now? why pray anyway- god is god- he already knows the future.
My world is filled with letters never sent,
words never spoken,
lips always sealed.
Who will i be when it's all over ?
perhaps i will be a mute…
in a different life.
Unhappy with silence,
But sealed within such silence.
Emotions are emotions- they don't recquire words to be so.
Who am I ?
I cry, i cry, i cry,
louder and louder, « who am I ? »
When will i know ?
Silent cries that recquire no breath.
Silence as usual.
Why ?
I don't even know.
Letters never sent,
words never spoken
Lips always sealed.
i hope that anyone reading this will not be offended by my seeming lack of questions- i hope that they will understand that these are questions that have been boiling inside me, waiting to come out. i have no question of the fact that God will answer these questions in his time- they are simply questions that i need to be honest in asking. i'm ready to come back father. but i need to hear your voice calling me back.
"Yet i hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place." Rev. 2: 4-5
come back lampstand- i need your light in my life!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
waking up
Open your eyes
The world is waiting for you.
In heart so vulnerable
lies the longing for love.
Wake up and see
that there are hearts that are breaking,
hearts that are aching.
remember first who you are, oh chosen one
and let your heart move for you
let the one who commands your heart move you
your feet will follow
The path is already set
if you will open your eyes,
It's easy to see.
Wake up your heart
Take up your cross
Wake up the world with your love
Take up the adventure of a lifetime!
He's waiting
Open your eyes
Open your heart
He's waiting.
The world is waiting for you.
In heart so vulnerable
lies the longing for love.
Wake up and see
that there are hearts that are breaking,
hearts that are aching.
remember first who you are, oh chosen one
and let your heart move for you
let the one who commands your heart move you
your feet will follow
The path is already set
if you will open your eyes,
It's easy to see.
Wake up your heart
Take up your cross
Wake up the world with your love
Take up the adventure of a lifetime!
He's waiting
Open your eyes
Open your heart
He's waiting.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
why am i so selfish?
this past month has been the stress month of my life.
i realized how stupidly selfish i am this morning in reviewing how this past month has gone.
espicially this morning, God really brought it to my attention looking over the past few entries in my prayer journal. it seems like almost everyone has been a rushed prayer right before heading off to finish a huge assignment or a rushed prayer right before heading off to school to write a final and the prayer is unfocused because i'm trying not to waste brain power or anything that doesn't involve trying to memorize how to do a certain math problem or the legal system of canada or what i'm going to say for a certain presentation.
All these prayers are filled with words like, "God, please let me do a good job." "Let my work honor you. " and looking back, can i honestly say that this prayer is honest? am i truly trying to honor him with honoring myself? i understand that in everything we do we are to do it well, but i seem to be forgetting the second part of that verse, or at least, not applying it on a deep level. do it well, as though working for God and not for man. how can i think of the way i've been putting so much time and effort into studying and schoolwork as worship of God when that's all my prayers consit of? where is the prayer that for once i'm not thinking about myself and what God can do for me? where is the worship of simply deciding to spend time in the word simply because i love him and i just want to listen to him. it's like, because my life is full of stress, the world suddenly revolves around my problems and i abuse the fact that God has unconditional love and grace for me. Where's the humble attitude that he is God and he's willing to speak to me if i choose to put him above everything.
Father, i wish this life was easier. i wish it was easier to choose you once and be devoted to you for life. It's so hard to realize that every moment is a choice of worship. Every second i'm given is a new chance for me to choose to pick you above everything. i want to be obsessed in everything you are. i wish i could block out the world. i wish i could be like one of the elders that Isaiah talks about, so seduced by your glory that i could do nothing but fall at your feet, knowing nothing but your spirt and your loveliness. Take me to the other side of heaven. Teach me what it means to be obsessed. I want to give up this obsession of self. i want to give up this idea that i need to receive from you to know that i am loved. i'm so selfish. teach me what it means to be a servant father. I love you.
I ask for your blessing, but only if you have searched my heart and you see it to be a humble request. i know i can never deserve what you give. i love you.
i realized how stupidly selfish i am this morning in reviewing how this past month has gone.
espicially this morning, God really brought it to my attention looking over the past few entries in my prayer journal. it seems like almost everyone has been a rushed prayer right before heading off to finish a huge assignment or a rushed prayer right before heading off to school to write a final and the prayer is unfocused because i'm trying not to waste brain power or anything that doesn't involve trying to memorize how to do a certain math problem or the legal system of canada or what i'm going to say for a certain presentation.
All these prayers are filled with words like, "God, please let me do a good job." "Let my work honor you. " and looking back, can i honestly say that this prayer is honest? am i truly trying to honor him with honoring myself? i understand that in everything we do we are to do it well, but i seem to be forgetting the second part of that verse, or at least, not applying it on a deep level. do it well, as though working for God and not for man. how can i think of the way i've been putting so much time and effort into studying and schoolwork as worship of God when that's all my prayers consit of? where is the prayer that for once i'm not thinking about myself and what God can do for me? where is the worship of simply deciding to spend time in the word simply because i love him and i just want to listen to him. it's like, because my life is full of stress, the world suddenly revolves around my problems and i abuse the fact that God has unconditional love and grace for me. Where's the humble attitude that he is God and he's willing to speak to me if i choose to put him above everything.
Father, i wish this life was easier. i wish it was easier to choose you once and be devoted to you for life. It's so hard to realize that every moment is a choice of worship. Every second i'm given is a new chance for me to choose to pick you above everything. i want to be obsessed in everything you are. i wish i could block out the world. i wish i could be like one of the elders that Isaiah talks about, so seduced by your glory that i could do nothing but fall at your feet, knowing nothing but your spirt and your loveliness. Take me to the other side of heaven. Teach me what it means to be obsessed. I want to give up this obsession of self. i want to give up this idea that i need to receive from you to know that i am loved. i'm so selfish. teach me what it means to be a servant father. I love you.
I ask for your blessing, but only if you have searched my heart and you see it to be a humble request. i know i can never deserve what you give. i love you.
i stole this from robyn's blog, but it just fit what i think soo much that i feel like i could have written it.
I wonder.............Somedays I just want someone to be strong for me, to carry the burden that I think I carry. Sometimes I just want to be the weak one. I go through my life, trying to fool everyone into thinking that I am the "strong" one, when somedays, I just want someone to take that for me.Tonight a dear friend told me that if I had a partner to carry my burden, to be dependent on, to always be weak with, maybe I wouldn't rely so much on God.She, is a smart one....
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
prayer
hi father. have i told you i love you lately? because i really do. you're too awesome and good for words. i love you. and i love that the love you have for me even outdoes this feeling of love i have for you.
i get the feeling your trying to prepare me for something. i get the feeling i'm supposed to pray about it. i know that this past semester i've been struggling trying to block out influences that keep attacking my faith in truth adn even my faith in good. God, thank you for being there with me. i know i could never in a million years stayed standing without the reminder that your holding my hand. keep building me up God and teach me to fight for you. God, your timing is perfect with the talking about spiritual warfare. thank you for helping me stay grounded in my own faith, but now stretch me, give me courage to fight for you God. there's a world out there that really needs you and i feel like every day i'm failing when I choose not to open my mouth and let your words come out. Spirit, i pray that you would even compel me to speak. do not let my mouth be silenced by a world that can't wrap its mind around a God that is so powerful and good. God, give me wisdom to know how to reach people. give me the reminder that this world needs you. this world needs a saviour. God be the source and motivation of my life. stretch me to talk not only to those who might have a chance of understanding, but give me faith to believe that you have the power to change hearts. help me not have a selfish heart and keep something so beautiful from the rest of the world.
let these be more than words, let them be my challenge to change, let my heart be reminded of this prayer and act out in faith that you will give me courage.
i love you daddy.
i get the feeling your trying to prepare me for something. i get the feeling i'm supposed to pray about it. i know that this past semester i've been struggling trying to block out influences that keep attacking my faith in truth adn even my faith in good. God, thank you for being there with me. i know i could never in a million years stayed standing without the reminder that your holding my hand. keep building me up God and teach me to fight for you. God, your timing is perfect with the talking about spiritual warfare. thank you for helping me stay grounded in my own faith, but now stretch me, give me courage to fight for you God. there's a world out there that really needs you and i feel like every day i'm failing when I choose not to open my mouth and let your words come out. Spirit, i pray that you would even compel me to speak. do not let my mouth be silenced by a world that can't wrap its mind around a God that is so powerful and good. God, give me wisdom to know how to reach people. give me the reminder that this world needs you. this world needs a saviour. God be the source and motivation of my life. stretch me to talk not only to those who might have a chance of understanding, but give me faith to believe that you have the power to change hearts. help me not have a selfish heart and keep something so beautiful from the rest of the world.
let these be more than words, let them be my challenge to change, let my heart be reminded of this prayer and act out in faith that you will give me courage.
i love you daddy.
Monday, April 07, 2008
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